Fighting for life...

"you have a name that you are alive, but you are dead on the inside..." (Rev. 3:1d)

I never thought I would get caught in homosexuality. It had never crossed my mind in my growing up years in rural Iowa. I had never encountered a homosexual, or knew people who were involved in the lifestyle. Never did I think I would find myself in the midst of a homosexual relationship during the years I was attending seminary. The very years I had given to the Lord for training and development. The training I received to be a pastor of a church, was nothing compared to the years I fought for my life.

As homosexuality seems to be running its course in the media, and culture seducing even those found in remote rural areas- we (the church) know for certain that the sin of homosexuality (as in the days of Lot, Luke 17:28) will be rampant before the Lord's return. Many will be gripped by this sin, as it not only seduces individuals- it will seduce structures (i.e. denominations, educational institutions). I know for certain I am not the only one that has been snatched from the fire others have come out of homosexuality as well. It is my prayer that millions would come to know the FREEDOM found only in Christ Jesus!

My story...

I loved growing up in rural Iowa. I loved the seasons, I loved harvest time, winter, the smell of cut hay, hot steamy summer nights, the harvest sunset, and brisk days in February. My dad is a farmer and the Lord blessed him with four girls. I am the oldest. He taught each of us how to work hard on the farm, drive tractors, pick up rocks, chase cattle, and spray hog houses.

My mom was a stay at home mom, whose time was busy raising the four of us. She baked, cleaned, taught us, and watched after us. She brought all of us to the Methodist church on Sunday; dad stayed at home to do chores.

I often wondered if my dad would have been better off with a son to help him out. A son who was strong, and could deal with the harshness of farm life helping my dad carry the load. I have to say during my growing up years my dad and I were often at odds with one another. We did not get along, he was often harsh. I made a vow early in life never to become like my dad. I also made a vow never to be like my mother because she seemed to be overly-submissive.

My sisters and I were very athletic. Each of us loved to play sports and each of us were very good at the athletics we participated in. Athletics became my identity and a way for me to gain approval and approval of my dad. My parent's evenings usually involved watching one of us at some athletic activity.

It was during my sophomore year of high school that my cousin committed suicide. I was devastated. My cousin was only three years older than me and growing up he was my playmate as we would reenact the great scenes from Star Wars. It was during the days following his death that I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I was taken by the love Christ had for me that He would die on the Cross for me.

I knew when I was a junior in high school the Lord was calling me to be a pastor. I remember being so excited about hearing from God. I did the next logical thing- I ran from God. When I was in college I went through several surgeries on my knees and heart- this ending my basketball playing days. I became very angry with God. Basketball had become my life and god. To numb myself from the pain I began to drink a lot. I was really out of control- but I remember hurting so badly I just wanted the pain to stop. Basketball had given me a "name", such joy and life. It was also during this time I had broken up with my high school sweet heart. I made another vow- never to let another man hurt me again.

In my latter years of college, I became involved in a college ministry group. I rededicated myself to the Lord and made some really good friends. Friends that didn't party, and that loved Jesus, they even tried to live for Him. We went on inner city mission trips together during spring breaks, to a weekly campus service and church on Sundays. I was refocused, I drank less (I could not give it up totally) and started to pursue God more and more.

It was during this time I became good friends with someone. Our relationship became very co-dependent and we were emotional enmeshed almost immediately. She was a victim and I wanted to be her 'savior'. Some tired to warn me about the unhealthiness of the relationship but in my mind I was helping her out not knowing my own starvation for relationships was dragging me into a very unhealthy situation.

I graduated from college and went off to Seminary. This friend eventually moved to where I was attending Seminary and we lived together. Very soon after we began to live together our relationship became physical. Both of us had been seduced and pulled in, both of us did not want this type of relationship but neither of us could stop it. So both of us agreed this must be who we are and we must be homosexual. Both of us Christian and homosexual. Our relationship remained physical for three years. It was during those years that I would often come to the Word of God and tried to understand how homosexuality worked with my relationship with God. I could justify it for a time, than another verse would pop up. I could never make my homosexual lifestyle fit into God's Word. I tried to make myself feel "alright, at peace" but I had no peace my conscience was not at rest.

During the latter part of my junior year of Seminary I found myself fighting to stay alive; I had become depressed, spending days in bed, fighting thoughts of suicide, I could no longer concentrate during my studies (my mind was going). One night God spoke to me again and He said, "Ang, tonight you choose- either choose your sin or choose Jesus". I could not have it both ways. God made that very clear that I could not live a homosexual lifestyle and be a lover of God. That night I choose Jesus! However, I said God, "I want to be free from all the sexual addictions, the wrong relationships, masturbating, and pornography." That night I walked away from my partner. In that moment I lost many things, friends, ministry, seminary; but I gained LIFE. In God's kingdom you must die to live- that night I gave up fight for my own life and handed it over to Jesus.

Soon after leaving my partner, I found myself at an art exhibit in downtown Minneapolis. I found a huge picture of Jesus. It was most unusual. It was made out of broken pieces of mirror. It caught my eye from across the room. God told me to go closer. I remember telling God I was so dirty, so defiled, so broken that I could not get closer. God told me to go closer. As I got closer I saw myself in the pieces of broken mirror that made up Jesus' face. God said very gently to me, "Ang, I am in every piece of your brokenness and I will make you whole again". In that moment I knew I was going be healed and made whole again. In that moment I knew I was not the homosexuality I embraced, nor would homosexuality define me.

Since that moment in 2001 I have pursued Jesus for healing, never again to return to homosexuality, never to return to co-dependent relationships, emotional enmeshment or sexual perversion. God has set me free. It has not been an easy road, but God has restored me over time.

I learned to take the starvation for love and relationships and place it in God's hands and not find a human counterpart to fulfill it. In looking back I do not recognize that girl that chose that road of homosexuality. I am no longer dead on the inside. During my struggle with homosexuality I said the right Christian things, wore the good Christian mask-but I was dead on the inside.

Christ has restored me! People like me do exist- people do leave homosexuality never to return again. We do live in freedom, not freedom that the world gives- but freedom that God gives everlasting freedom! For this very reason I will not be silent as many choose to say yes to homosexuality or that it is 'right' for them. It is time they know the truth as well.